Grey

Its a grey kind of day. The budding trees are standing against a backdrop of nothingness and only the bursting pink blossom breaks their monotony.
It feels kind of grey in my head too. Revision is getting me down, as are empty days (that aren't empty because I have little time other than to revise and procrastinate) and I feel in a thoughtless rut. 
I want to treat myself but I've spent all my money on birthday presents, interrail accommodation and clubbing, purchases that seem to define my age. 
Since we last spoke, little has happened. 
I handed in my history coursework which I was, in actual fact, very proud of. Hours of tears and stresses had gone into that 4000 word essay which, in mid-November as I panicked to my teacher, I never thought I would complete. 
We broke up for Easter which was anti-climatic as it just meant 2 weeks of revision and stunned me back into that "fuck its nearly all over" mentality that consumes. 
I returned to my favourite place, for a week that caused more stress than usual. It was all pretty detached, I spent much of it at my makeshift desk revising or on the beach reading, but not really feeling 'there'. It was beautiful however and did something to cleanse my soul. I have included a selection of pics, that probably replicate the ones from last year, and the year before.












This did feel an idyllic place to write about Socialist realism, something to make revision a little more bearable.



And above is where I have been spending my days, probably in pyjamas, surrounded by cold, un-touched cups of tea.

Today is Thursday. The penultimate day of my easter hols. I feel stressed and uptight, I don't want to revise but there is little else to do to pass the time. This is a common side affect of revision for me-I forget what I do for enjoyment. I will pass these next two days at my desk, taking quick walks in the park, crying, watching movies and in a bubble of fuzziness.
Monday will roll around and the days will melt away with an unfathomable speed.

***

If anyone has any tips on how to revise Shakespeare please tell me. I'm 110% struggling with Othello but am avoiding it because avoidance provides short term comfort.


p.s should probably mention this 'snap' election (that was promised would take place n 2020?!) to which I exclaimed "what the fuck" as I walked to the library. I can't vote because I don't turn 18 until 9th July (1 month and 1 day) which really pisses me off but use your votes wisely people.

Life stuff

pic credz

What I've been doing
Hours in the library, tears, mocks (more tears), coursework deadlines, mini egg consuming, not much else. A bitta' clubbing which 110% wasn't a good idea because I'd spent all week in school until way too late with exams and revision and was exhausted. But I needed something to break up the monotony. Life is a tide of similarity. In a punitive way, I enjoy the stress, focus because it means I can ignore problems that probably need addressing (such as why I can't deal with not having structure and focus and stress). But I've also cried a lot and said "I can't" more times than felt possible. I've signed off my Eng. coursework, which I'm proud of because it was all from my head and it was mine.
I've also been hiding from the imminent fear of "next year". Its irrational but consumes me, plagues me.
This weekend has been beautiful weather, we had our first lunch in the garden and my soul has enjoyed soaking up the sun. I've also been enjoying work quite a bit lately, the enthusiasm of the kids as they learn to say "kitten" fills me with the joys of learning.

What I've been reading/watching
Reading: Exposure, Helen Dunmore
It's been slow but last Sunday I had to wait in the car for an hour and, while the sun was blazing in, I had a glorious epoch of peace, thoroughly enjoying the written word in the moment of quiet.
I've, of course, been re-reading my English texts. They are 90% crap (Dorian Gray: aesthetic hedonism, The Little Stranger: slow and dull) and I need to embark on Othello but I am a little scared of the language.
Watching: Not much, shitty YouTube videos because materialistic hauls are my absolute guilty pleasure (I hate them but can totally switch off to their repetitive privilege). After months of hunting, my friend and I watched 'Edge of 17'. We were excited because it would supposedly reflect us. It didn't really, it was a bit strange but quite an enjoyable watch. This weekend I am planning on watching Moonlight but that plan will probably disappear with the deadlines and procrastination.

What I've been listening to
It has mostly been my 'revision' playlist, on repeat-which is all just Penguin Cafe Orchestra/Chopin, pretentious I know, but something has to drown out the noise of the library.

What I want
Change but not change.
Adventure, new places.
To not have a year of emptiness, to be feeling the excitement of going to university that everyone around me is feeling**.
To see more of the day, instead of my desk, the library, the classroom.
New penpals, if anyone wants to send letters on an intermittent basis, hmu***

What I've been anticipating
Easter, because there are numerous parties, I am returning to my favourite place and its always blessed with rejuvenating sun.
Sleep, because not enough of that has been happening recently.

This idea was stolen from Lexie who stole it from someone else. Steal it too if ya want.

** I know I've made the decision, therefore can't complain, but regretz
***not because my current penpals aren't 10/10

Changing times

**this is heavily opinionated lol**
An irrelevant picture but maybe some calmness?

This week, the Lords passed through the Brexit bill, article 50 will be signed in 14 days (apparently but does anyone really have a fucking plan?) and that begins the process that should take 2 years.
But this was never supposed to happen, never expected to happen so it's all just guess work.
But I have come to the realisation that the world of my future will be no correlation to the one I grew up in.
The freedom of passing borders with no control, free trade, close companionship with those just across the channel, it feels like it may have all disintegrated by the end of my adolescence.
A union that essentially began as a peace treaty after the atrocities we all witnessed in the 20th century and one of the fundamental building blocks is mindlessly pulling out. I know this isn't new news but its resurfaced in my peripheral since the rise of Scottish nationalism (independence?). Hell, by the time I am 25, we may not even be a United Kingdom of 4 nations, just divided England floating alone.
It's kind of difficult to comprehend that something that has been so fundamental in my youth may have changed. Even reminiscing to 12 months ago, the politics are unrecognisable. It feels like we are truly entering the Brave New World.
I'm scared that I'll never have the opportunity to explore Europe with the freedom I currently take for granted and that I'll never fulfil my dream of living abroad, escaping this confining British identity***. And there's such uncertainty, no one expected this to happen, the referendum came about as a result of a throw-away election promise and it ended up with this. The leaders have abandoned ship and we are headlessly sinking.

These are just thoughts in this politically charged climate.
I am also furious about education, arbitrary cuts (meaning Secondary schools could lose up to 6 teachers) and being in a failing comprehensive, the heart of the education system, this would be an absolute bloody disaster. My friends and I repeatedly say they are making changes to education without consulting those who are actually experiencing it. Surely us, as 17-18 year olds know what works and what doesn't, have relevant experience that may actually do some good.
Finally, George Osbourne. And his £650,000 salary for 1 day of work a week. Along with numerous other jobs. And being a back-bench MP (supposedly a full time job). Since writing this, Osborne has been made editor of the London Standard. A full-time job (for which he has no experience) but doesn't he have the privilege of representing the people in parliament? Isn't that a full-time job?
If our country is run by greedy, disillusioned men (not actually true but I'm not much of a fan of Theresa the Appeaser either) what hope do we have?
I'm terrified about the state of this world but also kind of sadistically intrigued to see how it will all pan out.

*** i know these are minor problems lol

Some nourishment

This week is going down with the shittest. School thought it was a good idea to do another round of mocks but after school this time. So after a day of stress, revision and lessons, we have a 2.5 hour exam. And then coursework deadlines (x2), the geography coursework booklet coming in and revision for actual exams that actually matter.
I'm so unbelievably tired and lost and its only day 1.
SO here are some things getting me through.


1. Twirls/Wispas/any chocolate (in copious amounts)
2. Wearing no makeup
3. Letters from lovely people
4. Songs: Santa Monica Dream, Angus and Julia Stone//Southern Jukebox Music, Penguin Cafe Orchestra//Bon Iver, Lump Sum
5. Guilty Feminist, Stereotypes episode
6. The unbelievably cute and enthusiastic kids at work (not the ones that fall asleep)
7. Anything that Noor Unnahar writes (I'd recommend her instagram)
8. This post from Messy Heads (which is becoming my bible, I wish it didn't cost the same price to ship it to the UK as it does to buy the actually mag)
9. And this post 
10. Wanderlust about travelling around my beloved continent 
11. Exposure by Helen Dunmore (I adore spy/historical books and this is that, its a nice break in the 10 mins before I fall asleep at night)

There is so much political anger in me, all the sentiments of June 23rd are coming back. But for now, enjoy the above. 



March musing




It was so bright and fresh this morning and, as I walked to school with 'Guilty Feminist' playing in my ears my chest felt light with excitement and hope. The beginnings of spring warmth were soaking through my skin and my mood was just so happy.
It was quickly dampened by a shitty lesson of Romantic Poetry, however.
I've been feeling unprecedented self-acceptance recently and wore an outfit I felt kinda killer in.
Both the skirt and jumper are recent purchases from Topshop which plays on my ethical conscience but in the hierarchy of factors my turbulent mind could deal with, something had to slip.
After a euphoric half-term that felt, frankly, like another world, the return to school has been passable. Its stressful and exhausting but also comfortable and enjoyable. There's the usual gossip and I see my friends without having to organise a group outing. I'm desperate to escape to uni in September but am committing to my Gap Year with the intention to build on self-discovery and earn some dolla so I can live on more than just beans. I'm worried I won't have the drive to study that I do now but understand that if that's the case, then HE isn't for me. And that's okay.
Coursework deadlines are looming and the exam countdown has begun, the end is looming fearfully near.
My mind feels foggy with the fatigue that has become synonymous with school but I'm hoping a bath and sleep will provide a temporary cure.

I hope you're all having good weeks, what's an outfit you feel ace in?
Instagram

Lost



I need to write to free myself but my mind won't flow and my fingers won't work. To receive self-validation I need to create and think and inspire but its not happening.
I have so many thoughts but can't tussle with their transient threads.
I can't think of words or topics or opinion.
I feel trapped and the only vice to escape this entrapment is the one I am trapped from.
How do I get out this funk?

The Go-Between


I think this is my favourite book. Ever.
But then I think about Kent Haruf and his Plainsong Triology and then my mind wanders to the ever cliched Great Gatsby and wonder if maybe they are actually my favourite books.
But, either way, this one is a piece of literary magic.
I have studied it for my English coursework and still, when my mind glides over the epilogue, I shiver and tears form in my eyes.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe the utter fragility and vulnerability of innocence that is manipulated in the most deceitful way.
Maybe the sensuousness of the language; the metaphors, the imagery, the symbols. Its rich and abundant but still raw with the pain of realisation.
It is defined by the exploration of sexuality, identity and gender within the confines of Victorian mortality but presents destruction of self in the most tender manner.
Its warm and luxurious, being set in the heatwave of 1900, but so heartfelt.
It is a text, unlike any other I've studied, that gets better with analysis. The exploration and confusion is so much more apparent and Hartley's true skill portrays.
I remember reading this book in the beating sun of 2016, in the month it was set and it gave it all the vibrancy and life it deserves.
But every time I open the epilogue and I read "during my breakdown I was like a train going through a series of tunnels, sometimes in the daylight; sometimes in the dark, sometimes knowing who and where I was, sometimes not knowing" my heart aches for Leo's youth and destroyed innocence.

This book is remembered only by its opening line:
"the past is a foreign country: they do things differently there."
but its so much more .
Its raw and its pure and its corrupt and its innocent and its damaged and it feels like its Hartley's mind, life and in someways survival poured into 300 pages of perfection.


Self-worth

Learning to love yourself at times when it feels like the last thing on earth.
Words to quieten the storm of chaos.


"I am learning everyday to allow the space between where I want to be and where I am to inspire me and not terrify me"

"On days like this my whole existence felt like the crumpled paper that missed its shot of being targeted into the trash can and survived. It also felt like the words crossed with black ink, that were cruelly rejected by the hand that wrote them. On days like this, my existence questioned the existence of my existence. On days like this, I had no answers"

"I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your being"

"The option is mine, in every moment, to choose peace over panic"

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human"

"Life is tricky baby. Stay in your magic"

"My whole life I've been telling myself "don't be afraid".
And its only now that I am realising how stupid that is. Don't be afraid. Like saying "don't move out of the way when someone tries to punch you" or "don't flinch at the heat of a fire"  or "don't blink". Don't be human.
I'm afraid and your afraid and we're all always going to be afraid, because that's the point.
What I should be telling myself is "be afraid but do it anyway."
Live anyway"

Learning to love yourself feels impossible, sometimes I wonder whether it is.
But I will embark on the journey because I currently feel on the cliff of an existential crisis. And some self-love would really help right now.
My narcissism makes me want to vomit, every time I write 'I' in a post it makes my stomach crawl.
But again, maybe thats part of learning to love oneself-allowing attention, time and value.
And as reassurance (to myself) its a whole lot harder than it seems imprinted in beautiful lyrics. Staying in your magic and not being terrified and living in peace. But we can do it.

***
everything is from pinterest and I am actually fine just being melodramatic about life (I think)