Life stuff

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What I've been doing
Hours in the library, tears, mocks (more tears), coursework deadlines, mini egg consuming, not much else. A bitta' clubbing which 110% wasn't a good idea because I'd spent all week in school until way too late with exams and revision and was exhausted. But I needed something to break up the monotony. Life is a tide of similarity. In a punitive way, I enjoy the stress, focus because it means I can ignore problems that probably need addressing (such as why I can't deal with not having structure and focus and stress). But I've also cried a lot and said "I can't" more times than felt possible. I've signed off my Eng. coursework, which I'm proud of because it was all from my head and it was mine.
I've also been hiding from the imminent fear of "next year". Its irrational but consumes me, plagues me.
This weekend has been beautiful weather, we had our first lunch in the garden and my soul has enjoyed soaking up the sun. I've also been enjoying work quite a bit lately, the enthusiasm of the kids as they learn to say "kitten" fills me with the joys of learning.

What I've been reading/watching
Reading: Exposure, Helen Dunmore
It's been slow but last Sunday I had to wait in the car for an hour and, while the sun was blazing in, I had a glorious epoch of peace, thoroughly enjoying the written word in the moment of quiet.
I've, of course, been re-reading my English texts. They are 90% crap (Dorian Gray: aesthetic hedonism, The Little Stranger: slow and dull) and I need to embark on Othello but I am a little scared of the language.
Watching: Not much, shitty YouTube videos because materialistic hauls are my absolute guilty pleasure (I hate them but can totally switch off to their repetitive privilege). After months of hunting, my friend and I watched 'Edge of 17'. We were excited because it would supposedly reflect us. It didn't really, it was a bit strange but quite an enjoyable watch. This weekend I am planning on watching Moonlight but that plan will probably disappear with the deadlines and procrastination.

What I've been listening to
It has mostly been my 'revision' playlist, on repeat-which is all just Penguin Cafe Orchestra/Chopin, pretentious I know, but something has to drown out the noise of the library.

What I want
Change but not change.
Adventure, new places.
To not have a year of emptiness, to be feeling the excitement of going to university that everyone around me is feeling**.
To see more of the day, instead of my desk, the library, the classroom.
New penpals, if anyone wants to send letters on an intermittent basis, hmu***

What I've been anticipating
Easter, because there are numerous parties, I am returning to my favourite place and its always blessed with rejuvenating sun.
Sleep, because not enough of that has been happening recently.

This idea was stolen from Lexie who stole it from someone else. Steal it too if ya want.

** I know I've made the decision, therefore can't complain, but regretz
***not because my current penpals aren't 10/10

7 comments

  1. 'change but not change' ohh this is so relatable for me right now. It's like I crave change, making new experiences and therefore growing as a person but at the same time the thought of it terrifies me. But yes, finally feeling the sun on my skin again does help. It's incredible how much of a difference sunshine makes :)

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    1. Yes!! I feel part of it is "feel the fear but do it anyway" kinda thing, pushing yourself to take the jump. Sun is a wonderful thing!!!x

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  2. I've got soo into crappy youtube videos recently! I love them, I have auto-play on so literally just watch people do the same kinda hauls for hours. Serious procrastination lol. Really want to watch Moonlight too, it looks incredible!! The weather has been amazing this weekend, it's made me so excited for summer and holidays. I'm so stressed about next year too, I'm doing an art foundation year but after that I have no idea... I guess theres some excitement in the unknown! x

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    1. Yess!! at least i'm not alone hahaha x

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  3. I'm so happy you did this post !!! (i 'tagged' lexie to do it) Sending over all the positive vibes- you need them haha. Those XL fashion hauls are so monotonous yet so interesting at the same time...

    Dalal // Monochrome Daisies

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    1. It was such a good idea for a post!! Hahah thanks girl and yes, horribly materialistic and show-y off-y but also so addictive!!x

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  4. This post is so beyond relatable. I can't tell you how many times I've cried 'I can't' in the last month. Mocks drained me and now Easter has well and truly ruined me - God I hate the lead up to exams!

    Hope you've had a lovely Easter and have enjoyed the sun and the parties you were hoping for!

    Imogen xxx
    imocdj.blogspot.co.uk
    P.S if you were up for it I'd love to do some pen-palling! The art of letter writing is something I wish I could do more! My email is on my blog if you fancy getting in touch :)

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Katie