Some happy things

It's late and I have a busy day tomorrow but I need to get words on paper.
I've been thinking a lot about existence and future and the unknown, much of it overwhelming my hormonal brain as I battle through revision-loaded days that leave me exhausted. Below I will explode some thoughts and emotions so they can be easily ignored as I feel they consume too much of these posts.

pic credz here 

As I type, Bon Iver 'For Emma, For Ever Ago' plays, which I think is my favourite album ever. It breaks me and immerses me in the past***

Here's some things I am looking forward to/that make me happy:

- eating nectarines on warm June mornings
- exploring new cities
- having more time to read for pleasure
- learning
- my cat
- finding more about myself when I don't have the excuse of 'a-levels'
- dappling golden light on the blue above my bed
- building my jewellery collection
- the newest additions to my succulent collection
- redecorating my room
- living in Paris (one day)
- days spent in the garden
- re-learning French
- ASOS deliveries (even if they do fuck up leaving me with 50p in my account)

What are you looking forward to?

********ignore this lol********

I don't feel much at the moment, I haven't for a while. This year has disappeared but little significant has happened, I don't know who I am and can't categorise this year with memories or moments or topic (this year meaning academic because my whole world seems to exist in academia). I feel I can't remember anything about myself, I can't define myself, push myself because I don't know myself. It feels sort of terrifying and sort of emptying. I feel my year has melted with blinkers, I can't define it by anything-its just become a forgetful normality.
Fear is there. Does it ever leave?
But who am I? Where do I exist? Am I going to disappear? Do I live beyond stress?
Who am I going to be when I can't pour every ounce into shitty education that has lost every part of my identity?
I am lost, so lost. But through sadistic punishment I drive harder knowing it will never be enough.

***This album makes me think of fear of exams and spring light and the comfort of school and my teachers and the library and the exhilarative anxiety I felt towards exams, without the fear of 'next year'.
But this year, I feel nothing. Exams don't generate the same emotions, I feel scared but really I just feel like I am disappearing. I invest everything into surviving this year that 'me' beyond it feels non-existent.

2 comments

  1. I wanna live in Paris one day tooo. I'm going this summer with my mum, I'm so in love with the idea of it!! Hope you're not too stressed out, it is kinda weird how you just go into shut down when theres exams etc and just don't connect with yourself emotionally. Honestly can't remember the last time I uncontrollably laughed; but not long now!! <33

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ahhh jealous!!! its literally my fave place on earth (so far)-yesss counting down, hang in there gurl!!xx

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